FAQs

Sometimes children think that they should not discuss loved ones who have died because it might make others sad. But if loved ones aren’t talked about it can be hard for children to remember them. Help support your children by discussing loved ones in everyday conversations, in passing and as the subject of conversation, this will greatly support them.

Be honest, and keep it simple. Don’t let your children find out the important details about what happened over Facebook or other social networking sites.

Ask questions, find out what the child already knows about death.

Encourage children to share their thoughts and fears about what is happening.

Don’t hide your own feelings.  If you suspect that your child or young person is deliberately hiding their feelings in order to protect you, explain to them that they do not need to do this and encourage them to talk about how they truly feel rather than bottling things up to spare your feelings.

It is important to avoid offering explanations of death such as ‘gone away’ or ‘gone to sleep’ that may cause misunderstandings and confusion.

Lewis wasn’t sleeping, he found it really difficult to settle at bedtime. He would throw huge tantrums and often lash at his parents. One evening he blurted out “what if I never wake up, what if I die in my sleep like Nan did”

Explain what dead means: “Nan died. Her heart stopped beating and she couldn’t breathe anymore. Nan doesn’t need to eat no more, she cannot see, hear or move and she cannot feel pain. Being dead is not the same as sleeping. All your body parts work when you are sleeping. When a person dies, their body has stopped working”

One of the most frequently asked questions by parents, caregivers and people who support bereaved children and young people is, “Should I take my child to the funeral?” When deciding whether your child should attend a funeral or memorial service, age is not the most important consideration. Your child is part of the family, and children who are old enough to love are old enough to grieve. Going to a funeral can help children understand the finality of death and joining family and friends in saying goodbye.

No child is too young to attend a funeral, provided that the child is prepared and guided through the whole process. Parents try to protect their children through upset however shutting children out makes them feel alone. Children who are not allowed to attend a funeral may feel they didn’t get their chance to say goodbye however, children who are forced to attend a funeral may feel resentful. Children should not be criticized if they don’t want to attend the funeral. They may regret the decisions they make, Talk with your children about:

What… is going to happen?

Who… will be at the funeral or memorial service?

Where… will the service take place?

When… will the funeral happen?

Why… are we doing this?

If your funeral director provides such a service, he or she may be willing to meet with the children to explain what happens before and after a funeral.

There are no rules when it comes to writing Christmas cards, but something many families struggle with. Writing cards for the very first time without including a loved one can be a heartfelt moment. Send them if it feels right for you but don’t put pressure on yourself to do so. If you want to include your loved one in the card but not sure how, you may choose to write ‘from the Jones family’

Many parents ask if they should write their child a card from the person who has died, this is personal to you, we would suggest making them aware that you wrote the card in memory of their loved one to prevent younger children from magical thinking that their loved one is still here.

Some people may not be aware your loved one has died or may not know what to write. Seeing your loved one’s name in a card may bring comfort or sadness, please know this is not personal and people are trying their best to support your feelings.

When your loved one was a huge part of your traditional Christmas it can often feel overwhelming to stay at home.

The festive season can bring back memories that intensify feelings. You may want to continue with traditions, and you may feel comfort in doing so or you may want to do something different.  It may feel overwhelming to cook a traditional Christmas dinner, if so, it’s okay to cook something completely different.

Here are a few simple ideas if you choose to do something different this year.

• Book a restaurant, you may want to relief yourself of cooking a festive meal.
• Go on holiday, if this is something you can afford then heading off during the festive period can be very comforting and provides time to relax & recharge.
• Family and friends, spend Christmas surrounded by loved ones.
• Volunteer, this can be rewarding whilst giving you time out of the family home for a few hours.

For more guidance you can read our blog post on Guidance & support for you at Christmas.

Children and their parents, often worry that they will forget things about loved ones who have died. But after a death there are many ways that children and families can remember loved ones.

Parents of Once Upon a Smile have come up with 10 ways to remember loved ones on special days:

• Visit the grave or the place where their ashes are buried or scattered
• Listen to their favourite music
• Make a memory box
• Have their favourite meal
• Write a special message on a helium balloon and let it go into the sky
• Write a letter or a poem
• Light a candle
• Share memories with family members
• Plant a tree or a flower in their memory
• Look over photos and remember the happy times shared